Like most people, I love music and frequently find myself humming a tune over and over in the back of my mind. I’ve learned to pay attention to the words of these songs and find that they have significance to what is going on in my life at the moment. Rarely is the entire song relevant; just a line or two that my subconscious mind is telling me to pay attention to—perhaps a lesson I need to learn.
A song that periodically plays in my mind is Kenny Roger’s “The Gambler.” One particular line stands out: “Every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser and the most you can hope for is to die in your sleep.” Interesting words, as I’ve thought about them. I’ve been dealt a hand. And the hand that I’ve been dealt is a winner and a loser. I think of the hand that I’ve been dealt as reality—which can be defined as “what is” or “the way things are.”
There are many aspects of reality: day-to-day events, circumstances (where I live, my spouse and children, my current job, boss, conditions of my work, today’s weather), who I am (stature, appearance, age, temperament, IQ), and so on. All of these realities define the context of my life. I chose many of them (my career, who I married). Others were thrust upon me by my heritage (my stature, my age, my IQ) or other factors outside my control.
Nevertheless, they form the boundaries or parameters within which I live and make choices daily. I don’t like everything about the hand I’ve been dealt. Who does? And you could argue that some hands are a lot better than others (at least looking from the outside). But it doesn’t work to compare my hand against that of anyone else. (That is not reality.) I can only play the hand I’ve been dealt.
The words of the song assert that the hand I hold is a “winner” and a “loser.” It starts with the hand. But it’s not about the hand. It’s about my ability to choose. Reality (what is) + Responsibility (my willingness to choose) = Results (what I get) What is most important about my life, what makes my life so meaningful and filled with opportunity, excitement and possibility is the fact that I can make choices about the hand I’ve been dealt. In fact, I’m the only person who can choose when it comes to the realities of my life. And by my choices, I determine my fate, the quality and outcomes of my life.
There are lots of examples of people who have made incredible choices in the face of some ugly realities. In my book, The Hero’s Choice, I tell the story of a good friend of mine. A few years ago Rob was diagnosed with an advanced form of non-hodgkins lymphoma. Over the next few months, he lost eighty-three pounds, suffered through five rounds of chemotherapy, endured several blood transfusions, and underwent a bone-marrow transplant that brought him to within inches of death. Against all odds, he survived. And then one day he told me, “I wouldn’t change this experience with cancer for anything in the world.” “You’re glad you got cancer?” I asked him, not buying it. “Yes,” he said. The tranquility in his eyes told me he was telling the truth. “It’s given me a new perspective on life. I love every minute of every day. I love my wife and kids more than I ever thought possible. I get tremendous enjoyment out of the smallest things, talking to a child, an ice cream cone, getting up early to watch the sun come up.”
I shake my head when I think about Rob—his clarity, his amazing attitude. It makes me wonder how I’d choose if I faced something so traumatic. Rob is just one example. We all choose, each and every day. As we reach for the alarm in the morning. Greet our loved ones. Head off to work or school. Take on projects. Talk to customers. Deal with co-workers. And as we choose, we create results. In the short run, these results can be thought of as a product of our situation-specific choices. But in the long-run, the cumulative effect of these results becomes our reality. R + R = R is really a loop. Our results eventually become a new reality. And the cycle we create can be positive or negative. The exciting news is that we get to decide.
